Words Do Hurt

 I was lucky enough to learn about my biological father before I went to meet my maker and I am slowly getting to know some of his family.     I am also slowly learning about some of my siblings on both sides of the family.    I have also reconnected with some of my mom's side of the family and all of this is still so very new even though it's been five months.

Yesterday, December 5th, 2020, my niece texted me and asked if I wanted to go see my biological father's grave at Fort Snelling here in Minnesota.  It was a beautiful day out with no snow on the ground and bright and sunny.   It was about a fifty minute drive.   My brother was driving and my niece was in control of the music.    We were singing and dancing and just having a wonderful time even though it was only the third time for my brother to go see his dad's grave and, of course, my first time.   

We were talking at one point about one of my other brothers and their children and my niece decided she would text her cousin.     Her cousin said he had heard about me and him and his wife weren't interested.   I told my brother and niece it was their loss on not being interested and they both agreed.   It bothered me.  Not going to lie.    Then when I came home last night, I prayed for God to take that hurt away and not to let it bother me.  

Well, it's still bothering me.    I don't know why but it does.  I know when people find their biological families they are not always welcomed but it does sting.   I have seven new found siblings and have only three who has been interested enough to get to know me.   I do have a brother who I haven't been able to find, but I'm not giving up.  God willing, I will find him one day.  Yet, this is a nephew of one of my brothers and they aren't interested.    It makes me wonder, WHY?     What is making them make that decision?   I have learned that my biological father's sons are not very close but wouldn't it be cool to find out about a sister?    Wouldn't it be cool to learn about her life?    Knowing your father had a girl child, and they did know about me, and she has been found and you could now get to know her?    

I keep telling myself that maybe they just don't want their lives they are so comfortable in to be disturbed by this new found person.  Maybe they have heard things already about me and they are passing judgement before even talking to me directly.   Maybe they think I want something from them that they can't give.   Maybe they just simply don't want to be bothered.     

I try to see their side of the situation too but it's hard.   You find out that you have had this secret kept from you your whole life and then find out all the truth and then you have people, your half siblings who don't want to have anything to do with you.   It makes you feel unwanted again.    Yet, I have been told I was always wanted by him.     Yet, he signed his parental rights over so my dad now could adopt me.    

I wonder what my biological father would say to his sons who haven't reached out to me?   Would he tell them he needed them to make me feel welcomed or would he just turn me away too?    I will never know those questions because he isn't here to talk to.     

I would like to get to know my other half siblings.  I would love to learn about them and hear their memories of "our" father.    I would love to hear the memories my biological father's grandchildren have of him.     I am like a sponge I want to absorb everything.   It is overwhelming and I'm sure my one brother gets tired of me asking the same questions but sometimes I just can't remember even if I have written it down or have been told once or twice before.   The information in my brain is exploding out of a very messy filing cabinet!

Hearing, "We are not interested" hurts, BAD.     I have to just let it go, deal with it, move on, get a back bone, whatever you want to call it.    I'm working on it, I am.

Words do hurt so the old saying, "Sticks and stones may break my bones but words will never hurt me." is nothing but a big fat lie.     They hurt, they do

DNA doesn't lie

Isn't this man so very handsome?    I had the honor of learning of him on June 30, 2020.    My life changed that day.    How you ask?   Well, strap in because I'm about to tell you.

First let me tell you who that handsome man is.   His name is Paul Clefton Fish.  He was born 1943 and unfortunately passed away 2013.    He was a Master Gunnery Sergeant for the Marines.    

So, last year I was so sad and always wondering when I was going to have another person in my life. So, this dream I thought was a sign of the next person I was going to meet. Well, I guess it wasn't that but God telling me something. Here is what I wrote about the dream:

Uncle Terry and Uncle Barrie (they are Michael's uncles)said they had GPS locations of me at a place somewhere in NowThen. (Isn't it weird that it starts with a "N"?)The weird thing is that they didn't say that town the dream was just pointing me in that direction but coming out of my dream I got the round about town. If that is the town I'm not sure. Then the dream showed me this man and I THINK his name is Paul but I can't be for certain on that either. Supposedly I would go and spend time with him but not sleep with him. It was all platonic. We talked and shared a lot of stories together and I could tell it is a man I wanted and I know he wanted me too but we just kept it platonic because of Michael. Then I woke up. I never saw what this man looked like but I do believe he is dark black hair. He is thinner and I believe younger than me ut that could be because I was seeing our 20 year old selves. I know if this is a supressed memory it would have been when we were in the Zimmerman house because I didn't drive when we lived in the trailor house. It FEELS real. I mean like really really real.

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 I wrote the above last year when I had this dream.    The date was June 15, 2019.    When I remembered this dream and figured out what it all meant the date was Oct. 8, 2020, remember this date because it is significant.     

This story actually starts April 7, 2020.   Well, the DNA part starts much earlier than this but I don't remember the actual dates I sent my DNA in and then got the results.     

Ok, let me start at the beginning because you may get lost if I don't.  I would hate for anyone to get lost on this story.      I decided almost 2 years ago to send in my DNA because my father doesn't know who his biological father is.  I had the idea to go ahead and send it in so I could find out who his father and his family was.    I got my DNA back and got some really good matches.    I was learning genealogy from an awesome mentor and friend so her and I worked on my DNA matches who I knew were not related to my mother's side.  It was actually quite amazing learning who my father's biological family is/was.    I traced it all the way back and found his biological father.    I was so happy to have done this for him so I went and had dinner with him one night after my discovering.    I was telling him I had done my DNA and I was happy to inform him I knew who his biological family was and who his father was.    He looked at me and said, "I know who my true father is and I know what my life was like and I do not wish to know anything and I implore you to stop."     I was quite taken aback by this reaction so I respected his wishes and dropped the subject but told him if he changed his mind to let me know.     

So, I went on to other projects and dropped the subject all together.    I did have my children do their DNA tests also because I want to eventually do their genealogy.    My son has a different father than my beloved Michael so it will be interesting to trace that lineage.     

I have brought you up to April 7, 2020.   Due to genealogy and having my DNA on ancestry.com and having my family tree included on my ancestry account I received a message from another genealogist who was hired by a client to locate their birth mom.     This genealogist sent me a message saying her client's mother who is listed on her client's marriage license from her parents had the same information my mother did.    I messaged the genealogist back the same day, April 7th, stating that my mother couldn't be the woman she was looking for because I was the only child and unless my mother was holding a secret that she took to her grave she was not the one.    I didn't hear anything else from the genealogist so on May 12, 2020 I asked if she had found out anything else.   Heard nothing.   Messaged again on June 8th and saw they read it but still did not answer me.    June 16, 2020 genealogist sent a message, FINALLY, stating her client had a copy of the marriage certificate and pictures of her mother. I did not see the message until June 29, 2020 and I replied that I would like to see the pics and the marriage license.  She complied.   When I received these this is what I concluded:  the woman she mentioned on the marriage license had the same name and same day birthdate but wrong year, mother's parents were the same but the city of birth was incorrect.   The marriage certificate said the woman in question was born in 1940 but my mother was born in 1943.  These two people were married Feb. 14, 1959 which if this was my mother she would have been 15 years old.    These people were married in Alabama and my mom was raised in Illinois and she never said she ever lived in Alabama.    I decided to look at the pics.    Here is one of the pics I received:

     I looked at that pic and wasn't quite sure what I was seeing.    So, I sent it to my children and asked them if one of these people looked like their grandma.   There are two women in this picture but for privacy sake I cropped the picture.    My daughter who was the closest to my mom said yes. My other daughter wasn't sure.     I asked my daughter who said yes which one she thought was her grandmother.   She replied she believed the one standing on the left was her grandma.     I felt the same way.    I then messaged the genealogist back and asked her to ask her client which woman is suppose to be the mother.    She replied that the woman on the left is suppose to be my mother.     I was still in denial because my mother never shared this with me so I decided to call up my mentor and friend and ask her to help me search for more clues.   She said she would help me.    The woman pictured above was supposedly married in 1959 and had three children from this marriage.   One son born in 1960, a daughter in 1962, and another son in 1963.    So, my mentor and friend went to work researching.   We were on and off the phone for about eight hours that day.     

I learned the woman in that photo is indeed my mother.    My mother kept this secret all my life and took it to her grave.     When I was growing up I always asked her why her and dad never gave me brothers and sisters and she would always answer, "Because God knew I could only handle one."     The story is that somewhere in between 1966-1967 my mother turned her rights over and gave her three children to an orphanage in New York!!   I have THREE siblings!      I just couldn't believe it at all.   My dad hasn't even told me the truth, even as I'm writing this he still has yet to tell me.    That's true love right there because he is still granting her wish of not letting me know.     I had to process this so I waited until July 12th to contact the genealogist to ask her to contact her client and let them know I am ready to talk.   July 13th I met my sister.  My sister!    She is on Facebook and so I looked at one of her pictures and she looks just like our mother!    I always thought I looked like mom but nope, she looks just like her.     I look at that picture and just can't believe I'm looking at my mother.     Since we have been talking we have learned she is a lot like mom health wise.   It's just amazing to me, simply amazing.    The oldest brother born in 1960 disappeared in between 1987-1989 and even the best researcher in the world, in my eyes, can not find him.     My sister sent a pic of him and he has mom's eyes.  The youngest of the three siblings born in 1963 looks just like our grandpa!    My sister said when she saw that picture of our grandpa she was in shock to see our brother looking back at her.     I'm happy to report my sister and I talk regularly and so do me and my brother.    I went from an only child to the youngest of FOUR!    There is more to that story and unanswered questions still but I'm not spilling all of the details for respect to my new found siblings.      

Yet, my story didn't end there on June 30, 2020.     I don't remember the reason but I decided I needed to see my information on ancestry.   Now just to let you know California, Texas, Minnesota and I believe two more states have incredible records but the other states have incredibly awful records.    I, fortunately, was born in California so I can just type in my birth date and my mother's maiden name and it will find a birth record from just that little of information.     I decided I would type in my name, Terresa Br...    No records found.    I was highly confused on this and wondered why I never have done this before?   I must have typed it in a few times because I just couldn't believe I wasn't being found in the California index.   I then went into the California birth index, typed in my birthdate, city, state, and mother's maiden name.   ONE record was found.    The name of the single record found was:  Terresa Marie Fish.    Yep, you read that correctly.    I looked at the computer screen and my mind went blank for a split second and then I screamed and threw the computer down.  Don't worry I didn't throw it hard and it was on the bed so soft landing.    I was on the phone with my mentor and friend and I told her that I had FISH in my DNA!    I said, "I'm a FISH!  The research we did for my dad was actually for ME!"    I cried.  I lost it.   I was ANGRY!    I called my best friend who was working and told her I would be meeting her on her lunch break because I NEEDED her.    She was adopted but always knew it so I knew she would have a clue what I was going thru.  We found her birth parents almost two years ago now.     

Once I calmed down I looked for my birth certificate and found it was amended in 1975, which means my dad who I have known all my life adopted me.    My father, the man I have been scared of my whole life but who I love with all my heart is not my biological father.    The man above, Paul Clefton Fish ,is my biological father.

I learned Paul remarried after him and mom divorced and he adopted his new wife's two sons and then had two more sons.   This means I now have FOUR half brothers and one half sister plus two step brothers.    I have SEVEN siblings!    

Here are some interesting facts:

1) My biological father lived about forty five minutes from me since I moved here in 1992.

2) My step brothers and half brothers on my biological father's side live about an hour away from me.

3) My half brother from my biological father's side is named Michael Steven.    My late husband's, soul mate, love of my life, name was Michael Steven.   

4) My step brother's, who my biological father adopted , first name is the same as my dad I have known all my life. 

5) My step brother with the same name as my dad has the EXACT same birth date I do.   Month, date AND year.    He was born an hour-and-a-half before me.    He did DNA we are not twins.   We look a like, have the same mannerisms but are not twins.    We talk at least once a week and try to see each other every Sunday.

Here's another kicker.   My biological's father's sister did genealogy and she wrote a book and made copies for anyone who wanted them in the family.    My mother and I were in there!    There is a baby photo of me and a picture of my mother.    His family all knew about me.   Come to find out they weren't the only ones who knew. I recently found out my mother's oldest sister had pictures of my siblings and my biological father!     Everyone around me knew but me.     I have since received the copy of the book.    

I have talked to cousins, siblings, uncles, etc. since June.     Sometimes when I stop and truly think about it I still freak out a little bit.

So, remember when I told you about the dream I had?    Yep, it was God giving me a message about my father, Paul!     I also had the realization this year about what that dream meant on the exact day of my biological's father's bypass surgery ten years ago, Oct 8, 2020.  It was a day he was terrified of.  He was actually going to come and see me before that surgery because he didn't think he was going to live.  He never got the nerve to follow thru on that.

So, why haven't I approached my dad?   To tell you the truth I'm scared.    I'm scared that he won't tell me the truth.  I'm scared he won't tell me anything.   I'm scared he will get mad and not talk to me.   I'm scared if he is relieved and decides to tell me everything what I will learn about why my mother gave up her other children, my siblings.     I'm just scared, plain and simple.    I don't want to lose my dad.    He has been there for me all my life and it means the world to me because he stepped up and adopted me.     From what I have learned Paul wanted me but my mother wrote him a Dear John letter and then took off with my dad.  Paul came back to the states to try to find us but apparently couldn't.     Yet, my dad adopted me.   I do not think he has other children, which makes it more special because I truly am his little girl!  

I'm mad at my mother.   Mad that she lied.   Mad that she never told me.   Mad that she took it to her grave.  Mad that she swore everyone she knew to secrecy.   Mad she never told me herself.    I'm just mad now, not angry like I was.    I just don't understand.    The mother my sister knew is not the mother I knew.    I just wish she was here so I could ask her the questions I have.  Not that she would tell me but it would be nice to give her a chance to.

The one I wish was here the most is my honey.    The pre stroke Michael.  The one who would know how to comfort me, hold me, listen to me and someone I could confide in my deep dark feelings.   I'm just so grateful I have the people in my life who I have because they have been there for me these last five months.   My children all came together on June 30th when I was falling apart.     So, I am truly blessed but it would be so much better? easier? if Michael was here with me.      

So, here is a picture of me and my biological father.   I was 17 yrs old in the pic and he was between 18-20 maybe?    What do you think?   Do we look a like?

That's my story, my new story, my new life.  

I have been told my pictures that I take of myself are more beautiful.    I look "complete" now.    I don't know that I see that but I'm not going to deny it if that's what people are seeing. 

I was also told that when you are trying to get somewhere in life and you just can't seem to get ahead and to get where you want to go or can't figure out who you are or what you want out of life is because you don't truly know who you are.    Well, that has been the case most of my life.    I just felt out of sorts.   Didn't know what I wanted to do with my life.  Have even shared those feelings on Facebook.   Funny thing is now I do feel like I know what I want to do and what I want to accomplish and it's already starting to happen.   So, maybe there is some truth to that.

Here I am, living proof that DNA definitely does not lie and will bring the skeletons out of the closet. 

Just a quick update

 Hello to all of you,

I can't believe it has been over a year since I have wrote anything on here.  I really need to concentrate more on this page, per my friend/mentor.    She says I need to blog everything that is significant in my life.   

If you are a follower thanks for coming back and checking in. 

So, what's new in my life?    So many things have happened since my last post.   My world has been in utter chaos ever since I lost my soul mate.    I never could have imagined everything that has happened. 

My most exciting news is that I am now part of a paranormal group,  Minnesota Spirit Hunters.    I can not begin to tell you how exciting this is for me.    I have always wanted to start a paranormal group or be part of one and my dream is finally coming true.    We have a team of eight members, all women but one man.   We are just getting starting and are learning as we go but we have already done a live at the Rice Lake Cemetery in Braham, Minnesota.    We got a lot of activity and the stories we uncovered has led us to make the decision to do a part 2.    It is so wonderful to be part of group which shares in your same beliefs and dreams.   

Our investigation at Rice Lake Cemetery was very interesting.     The night before I was contacted by a spirit from there and I learned that three of our other members was contacted by the same spirit.    I was very excited to get in the cemetery and find her grave!     We weren't able to find her grave that night but we did get a lot of activity.  We did get a spirit of a man who was a little obnoxious and was trying to get us to leave because apparently he owned half the cemetery, according to him.     It will be interesting to go back and see what else he has to say.      So, stay tuned for our part 2 live investigation. 

So, for the most exciting news I have had to date came to a complete shock to me on June 30, 2020.    I will write a whole new blog for this so stay tuned.    You really won't want to miss it.  

Since my last post I, at one point, had three different jobs.    I started working at a vet clinic and I worked there for about 4 months and then left. I just couldn't handle all the negativity in the work place.  It was pretty bad and I'm so much about positivity I couldn't keep surrounding myself with that much negativity.   I would mentally and physically get sick before the start of my shifts.   That is not a healthy way of life so I did what I had to do and left.     I miss the fur children and three of the employees there but they are still in contact with me and that makes me happy.    They really touched my heart and I knew if someone really wanted to stay in contact with me from there they would refriend me on Facebook.     

I had to bring in income so I started working for Shipt and Instacart.   For people who don't know what that is it's basically a company where you shop for people and then deliver their groceries to them.    Well, what better job for me, SHOPPING!     I won't lie, it's difficult at times because people are pretty picky about their groceries.  You have to make sure you don't smash their bread, keep cold items cold and hot items hot, no rotten or bruised fruits, etc.    Sometimes the customer will go as far as telling Instacart that I got the wrong item even though they chose the replacement!     Instacart doesn't let you explain yourself when someone complains so sometimes it's very frustrating because how can you truly better yourself if you can't see the reasons why they complained?    All and all though it's an ok job, it's a job, right?

I do work with an 89 year old.  I am mostly there two times a week for companionship.    They were getting lonely and so seeing me helps them.    I mean, seriously, who wouldn't love to spend time with my goofy self?     I have got them dancing, singing, listening to music again, and laughing at my outfits.    I have been called a flower child so I will let your imagination run wild on creating the outfits you think I would be wearing to put a smile on their face.    They make my day better just as much as I help theirs.

Just writing this seems like there really isn't that much going on in my life but the follow up post will probably explain why I feel like my life has changed so drastically.

Stay tuned  everyone.  I'm hoping to post more frequently.

Peace, love and joy to you!