I was lucky enough to learn about my biological father before I went to meet my maker and I am slowly getting to know some of his family. I am also slowly learning about some of my siblings on both sides of the family. I have also reconnected with some of my mom's side of the family and all of this is still so very new even though it's been five months.
Yesterday, December 5th, 2020, my niece texted me and asked if I wanted to go see my biological father's grave at Fort Snelling here in Minnesota. It was a beautiful day out with no snow on the ground and bright and sunny. It was about a fifty minute drive. My brother was driving and my niece was in control of the music. We were singing and dancing and just having a wonderful time even though it was only the third time for my brother to go see his dad's grave and, of course, my first time.
We were talking at one point about one of my other brothers and their children and my niece decided she would text her cousin. Her cousin said he had heard about me and him and his wife weren't interested. I told my brother and niece it was their loss on not being interested and they both agreed. It bothered me. Not going to lie. Then when I came home last night, I prayed for God to take that hurt away and not to let it bother me.
Well, it's still bothering me. I don't know why but it does. I know when people find their biological families they are not always welcomed but it does sting. I have seven new found siblings and have only three who has been interested enough to get to know me. I do have a brother who I haven't been able to find, but I'm not giving up. God willing, I will find him one day. Yet, this is a nephew of one of my brothers and they aren't interested. It makes me wonder, WHY? What is making them make that decision? I have learned that my biological father's sons are not very close but wouldn't it be cool to find out about a sister? Wouldn't it be cool to learn about her life? Knowing your father had a girl child, and they did know about me, and she has been found and you could now get to know her?
I keep telling myself that maybe they just don't want their lives they are so comfortable in to be disturbed by this new found person. Maybe they have heard things already about me and they are passing judgement before even talking to me directly. Maybe they think I want something from them that they can't give. Maybe they just simply don't want to be bothered.
I try to see their side of the situation too but it's hard. You find out that you have had this secret kept from you your whole life and then find out all the truth and then you have people, your half siblings who don't want to have anything to do with you. It makes you feel unwanted again. Yet, I have been told I was always wanted by him. Yet, he signed his parental rights over so my dad now could adopt me.
I wonder what my biological father would say to his sons who haven't reached out to me? Would he tell them he needed them to make me feel welcomed or would he just turn me away too? I will never know those questions because he isn't here to talk to.
I would like to get to know my other half siblings. I would love to learn about them and hear their memories of "our" father. I would love to hear the memories my biological father's grandchildren have of him. I am like a sponge I want to absorb everything. It is overwhelming and I'm sure my one brother gets tired of me asking the same questions but sometimes I just can't remember even if I have written it down or have been told once or twice before. The information in my brain is exploding out of a very messy filing cabinet!
Hearing, "We are not interested" hurts, BAD. I have to just let it go, deal with it, move on, get a back bone, whatever you want to call it. I'm working on it, I am.
Words do hurt so the old saying, "Sticks and stones may break my bones but words will never hurt me." is nothing but a big fat lie. They hurt, they do
