My world collapsed on March 25, 2019. It was a Monday, 9:33p.m. to be exact. I got a phone call from the hospital my husband was admitted to earlier in the day telling me I needed to get to the hospital because they were doing c.p.r. on him. I remember calling my children and my best friend as I sped down the street the two blocks to the hospital. I remember having to enter thru the emergency room and telling the security guard I had to go to, well now I don't even remember what room number it was. I was hysterical. I got up to the second floor where his room was and the nurse didn't even have to ask who I was and she started leading me to Michael's, my husband, room. All I remember is seeing this HUGE machine pushing down on my husband's chest. I can't even tell you how many people were in the room or if someone was squeezing air into his lungs or what. I fell to the floor SCREAMING! I knew, I knew then I would never talk with him again, never hear his laugh, never see his smart ass smile, NOTHING, absolutely NOTHING.
It has been three weeks and one day since that life changing night. Three hard, long weeks. I can not describe to you how hard it is to learn that I will never have my life partner with me ever again, in the physical sense anyway. You can not imagine what pain I am/have suffered.
I am crying less but I still cry every night. The nights seem to be so much harder than the days. I have smiled, occasionally. I have laughed, a few times but it's not a gut laugh. I have cleaned the house, once. I feed the animals every day so at least they aren't suffering along with me. I have quit eating and drinking twice now for about 4 days. I have watched television a handful of times. I have endured his celebration of life. I have went out a few times with a friend and my eldest daughter. I have washed the dishes only twice, swept the floor a handful of times and just tried to exist the best I can. I did go and visit a friend one time also. I think that is pretty good for losing my soul mate just three weeks ago. I'm sure I may have done more but I couldn't tell you what they were.
One of the things I had to do was find an urn for my honey. The ones they offer you at the funeral homes are just ugly and expensive and the ones you get online can be nice but they are expensive as well. When my mother passed on I made her a red, white, and blue bird house urn. I knew I had to find something which would symbolize my honey in the best way. I asked my best friend and my daughters to help with this task. My friend had one of her granddaughters with her and I didn't mind at all that she came with because Michael LOVED this little girl, I mean LOVED her. He always just lit up when she would come around and he had so much fun trying to get her little shy self to talk to him. He eventually would and it just did his heart good to see her. He always looked forward to her coming and visiting.
We all set out to go to Hobby Lobby, which is a craft store here in Minnesota and other states around the U.S.A. My eldest, my best friend, and little munchkin walked around the entire store and I just didn't like any thing. I finally decided to go to Michael's, which is another type craft store, because this is usually where I get all my boxes for my animals who have passed on to decorate. Everyone agreed. When we got in the car little munchkin got the hiccups. I couldn't believe it! She never gets the hiccups my friend said and the significance in having the hiccups is Michael would get the hiccups when there was something wrong. On his last day on this earth he had the hiccups all day. We got to Michael's and she still had the hiccups. She had the hiccups the whole time we were in the store. My youngest daughter met us at the store and we went to the wooden boxes that you can decorate and the daughters liked a castle, they said it was for their dad being king of the castle. Well, that wasn't fitting because he only thought he was king of the castle. I didn't like that idea. We had thought about getting a little toy rubber turtle to put on a box but we just didn't like any of the boxes the two stores had to offer.
So, why were we thinking a turtle? My honey was so slow and the older and sicker he got the worse it got. Many years ago he earned the nickname, Turtle. Everyone who was close to him would call him that. I would look at him and say, "Turtle, turtle!" We would just laugh. People would often times ask us how we stayed together for so long, we have been together since the age of fifteen. I would describe our relationship as the tortoise and the hare. He was my tortoise and I was his hare. He would go along not in any hurry at all saying that no matter if we hurry or not we would still get to where we were going. Most of the time he was always on time too, which I could never figure out. I, on the hand, was the hare who was running around like crazy just worried about getting to where we needed going or I would just run circles around him when we were doing chores or projects. People just laughed and could totally see what I was saying just by the way him and I would laugh and act around each other.
Walking around in Michael's and not getting anywhere I finally decided I wanted to go to Menards, which is a store that has so many different things for do it yourself projects. I knew I wanted a turtle but I needed a big turtle so I could put Michael's ashes in it. Once I made this decision and told my friend and my daughters little munchkin's hiccups stopped. Yep, just stopped.
We arrived at Menards and I went straight to the garden center and there it was, the turtle, the only one they had. It is made out of plaster and my friend was worried if we drilled a hole in the bottom it would shatter and then I wouldn't be able to accomplish what I wanted. I told her I didn't care we had to try. So, I paid $59.99 for my turtle, way cheaper than any urn you can buy at a funeral home or online! My ex son-in-law, who is still very much a part of our family,came over and drilled a hole in the bottom of my turtle so I could get his ashes in there without it shattering.
I was trying to figure out a way to put Michael's name, birth date, the horrible day date, and maybe some designs but every time I go to figure this out a little voice in my head says, "No. No. No." I have come to believe this is Michael telling me he just doesn't want the turtle to be decorated. So, I have decided to listen to that little voice. I have put a chain he wore with his wedding ring around his neck. I put his favorite Green Bay Packer hat on the top of the shell. His ashes will also go in there and maybe a few other things. I will put his obit in there also. I even put some needles in there in case he needs them for something,although I know he doesn't have diabetes where he is.
It was amazing how Miss Munchkin was able to go with us and how she got the hiccups until I decided on a turtle and I decided while we were in the store, Michael's! All the signs were there.
When little munchkin got back home she had to tell her mom all about the turtle she had got. Her mom thought it was a real turtle and so my friend had to call me and ask to send pictures because little munchkin wouldn't stop talking about it until I did. I do honestly believe Michael used little munchkin to help pick out what is just right for his ashes and to symbolize himself. Now, when I pass, my children must find a hare and we will be complete again, the tortoise and the hare.
Here is what my turtle looks like thanks to little Miss Munchkin.
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