Only two months, but who's counting?

May 25th, 2019

Today marks two months since you left.  Actually, it's 8 weeks and five days if we were to get technical.

The other day I was talking about you to someone and I said that it would be two months since you left and they looked at me with disbelief.  I couldn't understand why they were looking at me like that.  They finally looked at me and said , "It's been only two months?  Two months for me was like no time at all.  You are doing well."    Then it sunk in...two months. 
Two months since you have left.   It made me think of everything that has happened in just two short months. 

First of all, it feels like you have been gone a lot longer than two months. 

So, let's think about this.  When you left I didn't think I could ever be able to go on without you.  I felt my whole world was over but people kept telling me it would be ok and I would be able to go on but to take my time because it's different for everyone.   I never believed them because my whole heart was broken.  I stopped eating and drinking not once but twice just to see if I could die so I could be with you.  It didn't work, I wasn't allowed to leave, I guess. 

I cried every single day and mostly at night because the nights are so much harder because you are alone and your loved ones have gone to be with their loved ones at night so the lonliness is just sometimes too much to bear.  I prayed every night for God to take me so I could be with you.

The family got thru your Celebration of Life, I know you would have enjoyed it.

We got thru picking up your ashes and deciding what to keep your ashes in, it's a turtle of course!

I was given a multitude of support and gifts that I will NEVER be able to repay but will cherish and be ever so thankful for however long God decides for me to be here in this world.

I kept crying and kept praying for God to take me.  One day I was crying and praying and I was told I had to go to Texas and visit a dear friend.   I didn't know why I was given these directions but I was.

One month after you left I took our dog and drove my car you bought me and away we went to Texas.   I spent a week and a half there and it took everything I had to come back to Minnesota.    I was told by the friend I stayed with I had to go home to face things and at that time I didn't know what they meant.   I came home and knew as soon as I walked into the house it's the lonliness I must face and accept. I am trying, really I am.

Then we had Mother's Day and I did all right.  It was a nice day and the kids came through like they always do.  You sure helped raise some awesome kids.

Then came Lea's graduation.  She made a hat for you and my mom, did you see it?  I know you are so proud of her because you know how much she struggled.  She did it though. 

Pretty soon it will be Father's Day and I know the kids will have a hard time with this one.  Reach down and give them hugs, ok?

Since I have been home from Texas I feel healed.  I still cry for you and still want to be with you and still don't know what I'm suppose to do but I have healed quite a bit and I owe it to the trip to Texas.  I cry when I talk about the night before and the day you left but those memories are starting to be replaced with good memories.  It isn't on constant repeat anymore.  I still have the guilt and I don't know if that will ever go away but it is not the first feeling anymore. 

Steve came by and we were able to share memories of you.  It was nice to see him and because he lost his love it was easy to share how hard it is when you love someone so deeply. 

Dad and I have shared feelings about losing our soulmates too.  He still is feeling the way I feel and it's nice to be able to have someone understand the pain, the tremendous pain, you go thru.

I have a job now.  It's not much but it's something.

God has been sending signs to me and is showing me the way slowly.  Somethings I just have to be patient about and wait for the answers but I'm grateful He is showing me the signs.

Alyssa had a decision to make today and you gave her the sign to make the final decision.  She knew she had your approval and I think she was very happy that you did that for her.  We know you will be involved in her decision a lot but it's still not having you HERE to help make these decisions that's going to be tough..

I have been called a widow and single and I do NOT like any of those words.  I need to find a word to describe my "status".  Someone suggested available but I think that sounds desperate.  Will you send me a sign?

Two months is such a short time when you say those words out loud but I feel I have come a long way in just two short months.  I feel like I shouldn't be as "healed" as I am but then again everyone is different and what is the "right" amount of time?

I miss you more than anyone will ever know but I know you don't want me to stand still, you want me to move forward, and for YOU that is exactly what I am doing. 

I love you, my honey, my turtle. 

Pondering

I have so much to ponder in this life now.

I don't know in which direction I am suppose to go.

I don't know what I'm suppose to do.

So many feelings going around in my head and yet I just can't figure any of them out.

My children say I am acting weird and they feel I am being secretive but I'm not at all.  I'm just trying to get through all the feelings I have.

I have taken a vacation and I have been gone now for about a week and I have actually been able to go more than a day without crying.   I don't know whether that is good or not, I want to say that it is and people say it is but then I feel I'm not being fair to Michael.
I'm not being fair because I only truly grieved for a month.  I feel being with one person for 34 years should be longer than just one month.   Then I think I should stop feeling that way because everyone grieves differently and there is no true time line on grieving but yet I have read or heard, don't really remember, you should only really grieve hard for three months.  Three months? At first I thought that just wasn't enough time but then I have stopped crying every day just after one month.  Is that fair? I truly don't know.  I guess, there is really no real answer, it's just so different for everyone.

I know I shouldn't be considering this at all or even thinking this way but how am I going to love again? How am I suppose to find someone? Is God going to show me?  Is God going tot lead me to my next soul mate?  Do we get to have more than one soul mate in a life? If God does lead me to a new person how is He going to do that?  Have faith?  Yes, I know that, but sometimes I just would like to be able to have a little bit of a hint.   Am I going to go thru life never being with another person?  Can I go forever without another someone? I know I am never going to get those answers until they happen but sometimes it would be nice to have a glimpse into the future.

Moving? Do we or don't we?  I live with my son and he has wanted a bigger house even before he bought this one but I know the one we are in now would actually be good with Michael and all his ailments, turned out I was correct.  Now, we are faced with a possible move in our midst.  It is way too much work, I think, but I know my son wants a bigger house and closer to his work. Yet, am I up to the challenge, that is the question. I'm not convinced I am.  Then that raises another question, do I move out of state by myself?  If I do then how do I accomplish that?  Do I pick a state where I have friends who would put me up until I get on my feet?  Do I tell my dad and then move in with my dad and if I decided to do that would he even be keen to that idea?  He would love to be out of Minnesota but somewhere with me?   Do I continue to stay in Minnesota because my kids and grand kids are there?  Am I going to be happy ANYWHERE I go?  I just don't know what to do.  It would be nice if someone could wave a magic wand and make the decision for me.  Why do I really have to make these decisions?  Am I making mountains out of mole hills? I just don't know!

I also have jobs to think about.  I do have one waiting for me and I truly hope it works out and the people who have hired me truly think I am the right fit, but again, am I going to be happy?  I want to start a business and am in the process of thinking about how to go about it and if I will be successful?  It will be three businesses in one and I have to figure out what my motto is, how I want the website, what my logo will be, designing business cards, do I want brochures, have I picked the right name? So many questions for starting a business and not sure if it will even take off.  I know when I had owned a pet rescue we did succeed and we succeeded well.  I am proud of that chapter in my life but am I suppose to follow the animal world again because I was able to succeed in that field?  Is there something I am missing and not getting the signs to lead me in the right direction?  I just don't know what God wants from me.

Someone told me, eventually I will have to face everything I don't want to.  I didn't think at the time they were right but maybe they are.  Maybe I am avoiding "life".  Maybe I just don't want to go on with life.  Why was I forced into this new life?  Was I just living life too easy when Michael was alive and now God thinks I need to face challenges and hardships? Doesn't He know I don't do well with challenge, after all He did make me! Again, I just don't know.

Then I think everything happens in threes.  I know it's an old wives tale but it has been proven over and over again.  Who will be the second person and the third person in my life to leave and when they do am I going to be able to handle it?  You can't predict this either but I'm terrified of losing another person.  I know it will be someone close because that's usually how it works, if someone is close the first time then the second and third will be close also.  See? Terrifying!

I just feel like my whole world has literally crumbled on me and it's in so many pieces I will never be able to put all the pieces back together.

I feel like I maybe have too many decisions to make and should probably take one at a time and make a solid decision and then move to the next one but it's like I can't even focus on just one at a time.  I have a hard time focusing on anything.   How do I learn to focus again?

Just too much to ponder at this point.  This new life I'm not liking at all.

I'm tired of pondering!