Only two months, but who's counting?

May 25th, 2019

Today marks two months since you left.  Actually, it's 8 weeks and five days if we were to get technical.

The other day I was talking about you to someone and I said that it would be two months since you left and they looked at me with disbelief.  I couldn't understand why they were looking at me like that.  They finally looked at me and said , "It's been only two months?  Two months for me was like no time at all.  You are doing well."    Then it sunk in...two months. 
Two months since you have left.   It made me think of everything that has happened in just two short months. 

First of all, it feels like you have been gone a lot longer than two months. 

So, let's think about this.  When you left I didn't think I could ever be able to go on without you.  I felt my whole world was over but people kept telling me it would be ok and I would be able to go on but to take my time because it's different for everyone.   I never believed them because my whole heart was broken.  I stopped eating and drinking not once but twice just to see if I could die so I could be with you.  It didn't work, I wasn't allowed to leave, I guess. 

I cried every single day and mostly at night because the nights are so much harder because you are alone and your loved ones have gone to be with their loved ones at night so the lonliness is just sometimes too much to bear.  I prayed every night for God to take me so I could be with you.

The family got thru your Celebration of Life, I know you would have enjoyed it.

We got thru picking up your ashes and deciding what to keep your ashes in, it's a turtle of course!

I was given a multitude of support and gifts that I will NEVER be able to repay but will cherish and be ever so thankful for however long God decides for me to be here in this world.

I kept crying and kept praying for God to take me.  One day I was crying and praying and I was told I had to go to Texas and visit a dear friend.   I didn't know why I was given these directions but I was.

One month after you left I took our dog and drove my car you bought me and away we went to Texas.   I spent a week and a half there and it took everything I had to come back to Minnesota.    I was told by the friend I stayed with I had to go home to face things and at that time I didn't know what they meant.   I came home and knew as soon as I walked into the house it's the lonliness I must face and accept. I am trying, really I am.

Then we had Mother's Day and I did all right.  It was a nice day and the kids came through like they always do.  You sure helped raise some awesome kids.

Then came Lea's graduation.  She made a hat for you and my mom, did you see it?  I know you are so proud of her because you know how much she struggled.  She did it though. 

Pretty soon it will be Father's Day and I know the kids will have a hard time with this one.  Reach down and give them hugs, ok?

Since I have been home from Texas I feel healed.  I still cry for you and still want to be with you and still don't know what I'm suppose to do but I have healed quite a bit and I owe it to the trip to Texas.  I cry when I talk about the night before and the day you left but those memories are starting to be replaced with good memories.  It isn't on constant repeat anymore.  I still have the guilt and I don't know if that will ever go away but it is not the first feeling anymore. 

Steve came by and we were able to share memories of you.  It was nice to see him and because he lost his love it was easy to share how hard it is when you love someone so deeply. 

Dad and I have shared feelings about losing our soulmates too.  He still is feeling the way I feel and it's nice to be able to have someone understand the pain, the tremendous pain, you go thru.

I have a job now.  It's not much but it's something.

God has been sending signs to me and is showing me the way slowly.  Somethings I just have to be patient about and wait for the answers but I'm grateful He is showing me the signs.

Alyssa had a decision to make today and you gave her the sign to make the final decision.  She knew she had your approval and I think she was very happy that you did that for her.  We know you will be involved in her decision a lot but it's still not having you HERE to help make these decisions that's going to be tough..

I have been called a widow and single and I do NOT like any of those words.  I need to find a word to describe my "status".  Someone suggested available but I think that sounds desperate.  Will you send me a sign?

Two months is such a short time when you say those words out loud but I feel I have come a long way in just two short months.  I feel like I shouldn't be as "healed" as I am but then again everyone is different and what is the "right" amount of time?

I miss you more than anyone will ever know but I know you don't want me to stand still, you want me to move forward, and for YOU that is exactly what I am doing. 

I love you, my honey, my turtle.