Words Do Hurt

 I was lucky enough to learn about my biological father before I went to meet my maker and I am slowly getting to know some of his family.     I am also slowly learning about some of my siblings on both sides of the family.    I have also reconnected with some of my mom's side of the family and all of this is still so very new even though it's been five months.

Yesterday, December 5th, 2020, my niece texted me and asked if I wanted to go see my biological father's grave at Fort Snelling here in Minnesota.  It was a beautiful day out with no snow on the ground and bright and sunny.   It was about a fifty minute drive.   My brother was driving and my niece was in control of the music.    We were singing and dancing and just having a wonderful time even though it was only the third time for my brother to go see his dad's grave and, of course, my first time.   

We were talking at one point about one of my other brothers and their children and my niece decided she would text her cousin.     Her cousin said he had heard about me and him and his wife weren't interested.   I told my brother and niece it was their loss on not being interested and they both agreed.   It bothered me.  Not going to lie.    Then when I came home last night, I prayed for God to take that hurt away and not to let it bother me.  

Well, it's still bothering me.    I don't know why but it does.  I know when people find their biological families they are not always welcomed but it does sting.   I have seven new found siblings and have only three who has been interested enough to get to know me.   I do have a brother who I haven't been able to find, but I'm not giving up.  God willing, I will find him one day.  Yet, this is a nephew of one of my brothers and they aren't interested.    It makes me wonder, WHY?     What is making them make that decision?   I have learned that my biological father's sons are not very close but wouldn't it be cool to find out about a sister?    Wouldn't it be cool to learn about her life?    Knowing your father had a girl child, and they did know about me, and she has been found and you could now get to know her?    

I keep telling myself that maybe they just don't want their lives they are so comfortable in to be disturbed by this new found person.  Maybe they have heard things already about me and they are passing judgement before even talking to me directly.   Maybe they think I want something from them that they can't give.   Maybe they just simply don't want to be bothered.     

I try to see their side of the situation too but it's hard.   You find out that you have had this secret kept from you your whole life and then find out all the truth and then you have people, your half siblings who don't want to have anything to do with you.   It makes you feel unwanted again.    Yet, I have been told I was always wanted by him.     Yet, he signed his parental rights over so my dad now could adopt me.    

I wonder what my biological father would say to his sons who haven't reached out to me?   Would he tell them he needed them to make me feel welcomed or would he just turn me away too?    I will never know those questions because he isn't here to talk to.     

I would like to get to know my other half siblings.  I would love to learn about them and hear their memories of "our" father.    I would love to hear the memories my biological father's grandchildren have of him.     I am like a sponge I want to absorb everything.   It is overwhelming and I'm sure my one brother gets tired of me asking the same questions but sometimes I just can't remember even if I have written it down or have been told once or twice before.   The information in my brain is exploding out of a very messy filing cabinet!

Hearing, "We are not interested" hurts, BAD.     I have to just let it go, deal with it, move on, get a back bone, whatever you want to call it.    I'm working on it, I am.

Words do hurt so the old saying, "Sticks and stones may break my bones but words will never hurt me." is nothing but a big fat lie.     They hurt, they do

DNA doesn't lie

Isn't this man so very handsome?    I had the honor of learning of him on June 30, 2020.    My life changed that day.    How you ask?   Well, strap in because I'm about to tell you.

First let me tell you who that handsome man is.   His name is Paul Clefton Fish.  He was born 1943 and unfortunately passed away 2013.    He was a Master Gunnery Sergeant for the Marines.    

So, last year I was so sad and always wondering when I was going to have another person in my life. So, this dream I thought was a sign of the next person I was going to meet. Well, I guess it wasn't that but God telling me something. Here is what I wrote about the dream:

Uncle Terry and Uncle Barrie (they are Michael's uncles)said they had GPS locations of me at a place somewhere in NowThen. (Isn't it weird that it starts with a "N"?)The weird thing is that they didn't say that town the dream was just pointing me in that direction but coming out of my dream I got the round about town. If that is the town I'm not sure. Then the dream showed me this man and I THINK his name is Paul but I can't be for certain on that either. Supposedly I would go and spend time with him but not sleep with him. It was all platonic. We talked and shared a lot of stories together and I could tell it is a man I wanted and I know he wanted me too but we just kept it platonic because of Michael. Then I woke up. I never saw what this man looked like but I do believe he is dark black hair. He is thinner and I believe younger than me ut that could be because I was seeing our 20 year old selves. I know if this is a supressed memory it would have been when we were in the Zimmerman house because I didn't drive when we lived in the trailor house. It FEELS real. I mean like really really real.

1

 I wrote the above last year when I had this dream.    The date was June 15, 2019.    When I remembered this dream and figured out what it all meant the date was Oct. 8, 2020, remember this date because it is significant.     

This story actually starts April 7, 2020.   Well, the DNA part starts much earlier than this but I don't remember the actual dates I sent my DNA in and then got the results.     

Ok, let me start at the beginning because you may get lost if I don't.  I would hate for anyone to get lost on this story.      I decided almost 2 years ago to send in my DNA because my father doesn't know who his biological father is.  I had the idea to go ahead and send it in so I could find out who his father and his family was.    I got my DNA back and got some really good matches.    I was learning genealogy from an awesome mentor and friend so her and I worked on my DNA matches who I knew were not related to my mother's side.  It was actually quite amazing learning who my father's biological family is/was.    I traced it all the way back and found his biological father.    I was so happy to have done this for him so I went and had dinner with him one night after my discovering.    I was telling him I had done my DNA and I was happy to inform him I knew who his biological family was and who his father was.    He looked at me and said, "I know who my true father is and I know what my life was like and I do not wish to know anything and I implore you to stop."     I was quite taken aback by this reaction so I respected his wishes and dropped the subject but told him if he changed his mind to let me know.     

So, I went on to other projects and dropped the subject all together.    I did have my children do their DNA tests also because I want to eventually do their genealogy.    My son has a different father than my beloved Michael so it will be interesting to trace that lineage.     

I have brought you up to April 7, 2020.   Due to genealogy and having my DNA on ancestry.com and having my family tree included on my ancestry account I received a message from another genealogist who was hired by a client to locate their birth mom.     This genealogist sent me a message saying her client's mother who is listed on her client's marriage license from her parents had the same information my mother did.    I messaged the genealogist back the same day, April 7th, stating that my mother couldn't be the woman she was looking for because I was the only child and unless my mother was holding a secret that she took to her grave she was not the one.    I didn't hear anything else from the genealogist so on May 12, 2020 I asked if she had found out anything else.   Heard nothing.   Messaged again on June 8th and saw they read it but still did not answer me.    June 16, 2020 genealogist sent a message, FINALLY, stating her client had a copy of the marriage certificate and pictures of her mother. I did not see the message until June 29, 2020 and I replied that I would like to see the pics and the marriage license.  She complied.   When I received these this is what I concluded:  the woman she mentioned on the marriage license had the same name and same day birthdate but wrong year, mother's parents were the same but the city of birth was incorrect.   The marriage certificate said the woman in question was born in 1940 but my mother was born in 1943.  These two people were married Feb. 14, 1959 which if this was my mother she would have been 15 years old.    These people were married in Alabama and my mom was raised in Illinois and she never said she ever lived in Alabama.    I decided to look at the pics.    Here is one of the pics I received:

     I looked at that pic and wasn't quite sure what I was seeing.    So, I sent it to my children and asked them if one of these people looked like their grandma.   There are two women in this picture but for privacy sake I cropped the picture.    My daughter who was the closest to my mom said yes. My other daughter wasn't sure.     I asked my daughter who said yes which one she thought was her grandmother.   She replied she believed the one standing on the left was her grandma.     I felt the same way.    I then messaged the genealogist back and asked her to ask her client which woman is suppose to be the mother.    She replied that the woman on the left is suppose to be my mother.     I was still in denial because my mother never shared this with me so I decided to call up my mentor and friend and ask her to help me search for more clues.   She said she would help me.    The woman pictured above was supposedly married in 1959 and had three children from this marriage.   One son born in 1960, a daughter in 1962, and another son in 1963.    So, my mentor and friend went to work researching.   We were on and off the phone for about eight hours that day.     

I learned the woman in that photo is indeed my mother.    My mother kept this secret all my life and took it to her grave.     When I was growing up I always asked her why her and dad never gave me brothers and sisters and she would always answer, "Because God knew I could only handle one."     The story is that somewhere in between 1966-1967 my mother turned her rights over and gave her three children to an orphanage in New York!!   I have THREE siblings!      I just couldn't believe it at all.   My dad hasn't even told me the truth, even as I'm writing this he still has yet to tell me.    That's true love right there because he is still granting her wish of not letting me know.     I had to process this so I waited until July 12th to contact the genealogist to ask her to contact her client and let them know I am ready to talk.   July 13th I met my sister.  My sister!    She is on Facebook and so I looked at one of her pictures and she looks just like our mother!    I always thought I looked like mom but nope, she looks just like her.     I look at that picture and just can't believe I'm looking at my mother.     Since we have been talking we have learned she is a lot like mom health wise.   It's just amazing to me, simply amazing.    The oldest brother born in 1960 disappeared in between 1987-1989 and even the best researcher in the world, in my eyes, can not find him.     My sister sent a pic of him and he has mom's eyes.  The youngest of the three siblings born in 1963 looks just like our grandpa!    My sister said when she saw that picture of our grandpa she was in shock to see our brother looking back at her.     I'm happy to report my sister and I talk regularly and so do me and my brother.    I went from an only child to the youngest of FOUR!    There is more to that story and unanswered questions still but I'm not spilling all of the details for respect to my new found siblings.      

Yet, my story didn't end there on June 30, 2020.     I don't remember the reason but I decided I needed to see my information on ancestry.   Now just to let you know California, Texas, Minnesota and I believe two more states have incredible records but the other states have incredibly awful records.    I, fortunately, was born in California so I can just type in my birth date and my mother's maiden name and it will find a birth record from just that little of information.     I decided I would type in my name, Terresa Br...    No records found.    I was highly confused on this and wondered why I never have done this before?   I must have typed it in a few times because I just couldn't believe I wasn't being found in the California index.   I then went into the California birth index, typed in my birthdate, city, state, and mother's maiden name.   ONE record was found.    The name of the single record found was:  Terresa Marie Fish.    Yep, you read that correctly.    I looked at the computer screen and my mind went blank for a split second and then I screamed and threw the computer down.  Don't worry I didn't throw it hard and it was on the bed so soft landing.    I was on the phone with my mentor and friend and I told her that I had FISH in my DNA!    I said, "I'm a FISH!  The research we did for my dad was actually for ME!"    I cried.  I lost it.   I was ANGRY!    I called my best friend who was working and told her I would be meeting her on her lunch break because I NEEDED her.    She was adopted but always knew it so I knew she would have a clue what I was going thru.  We found her birth parents almost two years ago now.     

Once I calmed down I looked for my birth certificate and found it was amended in 1975, which means my dad who I have known all my life adopted me.    My father, the man I have been scared of my whole life but who I love with all my heart is not my biological father.    The man above, Paul Clefton Fish ,is my biological father.

I learned Paul remarried after him and mom divorced and he adopted his new wife's two sons and then had two more sons.   This means I now have FOUR half brothers and one half sister plus two step brothers.    I have SEVEN siblings!    

Here are some interesting facts:

1) My biological father lived about forty five minutes from me since I moved here in 1992.

2) My step brothers and half brothers on my biological father's side live about an hour away from me.

3) My half brother from my biological father's side is named Michael Steven.    My late husband's, soul mate, love of my life, name was Michael Steven.   

4) My step brother's, who my biological father adopted , first name is the same as my dad I have known all my life. 

5) My step brother with the same name as my dad has the EXACT same birth date I do.   Month, date AND year.    He was born an hour-and-a-half before me.    He did DNA we are not twins.   We look a like, have the same mannerisms but are not twins.    We talk at least once a week and try to see each other every Sunday.

Here's another kicker.   My biological's father's sister did genealogy and she wrote a book and made copies for anyone who wanted them in the family.    My mother and I were in there!    There is a baby photo of me and a picture of my mother.    His family all knew about me.   Come to find out they weren't the only ones who knew. I recently found out my mother's oldest sister had pictures of my siblings and my biological father!     Everyone around me knew but me.     I have since received the copy of the book.    

I have talked to cousins, siblings, uncles, etc. since June.     Sometimes when I stop and truly think about it I still freak out a little bit.

So, remember when I told you about the dream I had?    Yep, it was God giving me a message about my father, Paul!     I also had the realization this year about what that dream meant on the exact day of my biological's father's bypass surgery ten years ago, Oct 8, 2020.  It was a day he was terrified of.  He was actually going to come and see me before that surgery because he didn't think he was going to live.  He never got the nerve to follow thru on that.

So, why haven't I approached my dad?   To tell you the truth I'm scared.    I'm scared that he won't tell me the truth.  I'm scared he won't tell me anything.   I'm scared he will get mad and not talk to me.   I'm scared if he is relieved and decides to tell me everything what I will learn about why my mother gave up her other children, my siblings.     I'm just scared, plain and simple.    I don't want to lose my dad.    He has been there for me all my life and it means the world to me because he stepped up and adopted me.     From what I have learned Paul wanted me but my mother wrote him a Dear John letter and then took off with my dad.  Paul came back to the states to try to find us but apparently couldn't.     Yet, my dad adopted me.   I do not think he has other children, which makes it more special because I truly am his little girl!  

I'm mad at my mother.   Mad that she lied.   Mad that she never told me.   Mad that she took it to her grave.  Mad that she swore everyone she knew to secrecy.   Mad she never told me herself.    I'm just mad now, not angry like I was.    I just don't understand.    The mother my sister knew is not the mother I knew.    I just wish she was here so I could ask her the questions I have.  Not that she would tell me but it would be nice to give her a chance to.

The one I wish was here the most is my honey.    The pre stroke Michael.  The one who would know how to comfort me, hold me, listen to me and someone I could confide in my deep dark feelings.   I'm just so grateful I have the people in my life who I have because they have been there for me these last five months.   My children all came together on June 30th when I was falling apart.     So, I am truly blessed but it would be so much better? easier? if Michael was here with me.      

So, here is a picture of me and my biological father.   I was 17 yrs old in the pic and he was between 18-20 maybe?    What do you think?   Do we look a like?

That's my story, my new story, my new life.  

I have been told my pictures that I take of myself are more beautiful.    I look "complete" now.    I don't know that I see that but I'm not going to deny it if that's what people are seeing. 

I was also told that when you are trying to get somewhere in life and you just can't seem to get ahead and to get where you want to go or can't figure out who you are or what you want out of life is because you don't truly know who you are.    Well, that has been the case most of my life.    I just felt out of sorts.   Didn't know what I wanted to do with my life.  Have even shared those feelings on Facebook.   Funny thing is now I do feel like I know what I want to do and what I want to accomplish and it's already starting to happen.   So, maybe there is some truth to that.

Here I am, living proof that DNA definitely does not lie and will bring the skeletons out of the closet. 

Just a quick update

 Hello to all of you,

I can't believe it has been over a year since I have wrote anything on here.  I really need to concentrate more on this page, per my friend/mentor.    She says I need to blog everything that is significant in my life.   

If you are a follower thanks for coming back and checking in. 

So, what's new in my life?    So many things have happened since my last post.   My world has been in utter chaos ever since I lost my soul mate.    I never could have imagined everything that has happened. 

My most exciting news is that I am now part of a paranormal group,  Minnesota Spirit Hunters.    I can not begin to tell you how exciting this is for me.    I have always wanted to start a paranormal group or be part of one and my dream is finally coming true.    We have a team of eight members, all women but one man.   We are just getting starting and are learning as we go but we have already done a live at the Rice Lake Cemetery in Braham, Minnesota.    We got a lot of activity and the stories we uncovered has led us to make the decision to do a part 2.    It is so wonderful to be part of group which shares in your same beliefs and dreams.   

Our investigation at Rice Lake Cemetery was very interesting.     The night before I was contacted by a spirit from there and I learned that three of our other members was contacted by the same spirit.    I was very excited to get in the cemetery and find her grave!     We weren't able to find her grave that night but we did get a lot of activity.  We did get a spirit of a man who was a little obnoxious and was trying to get us to leave because apparently he owned half the cemetery, according to him.     It will be interesting to go back and see what else he has to say.      So, stay tuned for our part 2 live investigation. 

So, for the most exciting news I have had to date came to a complete shock to me on June 30, 2020.    I will write a whole new blog for this so stay tuned.    You really won't want to miss it.  

Since my last post I, at one point, had three different jobs.    I started working at a vet clinic and I worked there for about 4 months and then left. I just couldn't handle all the negativity in the work place.  It was pretty bad and I'm so much about positivity I couldn't keep surrounding myself with that much negativity.   I would mentally and physically get sick before the start of my shifts.   That is not a healthy way of life so I did what I had to do and left.     I miss the fur children and three of the employees there but they are still in contact with me and that makes me happy.    They really touched my heart and I knew if someone really wanted to stay in contact with me from there they would refriend me on Facebook.     

I had to bring in income so I started working for Shipt and Instacart.   For people who don't know what that is it's basically a company where you shop for people and then deliver their groceries to them.    Well, what better job for me, SHOPPING!     I won't lie, it's difficult at times because people are pretty picky about their groceries.  You have to make sure you don't smash their bread, keep cold items cold and hot items hot, no rotten or bruised fruits, etc.    Sometimes the customer will go as far as telling Instacart that I got the wrong item even though they chose the replacement!     Instacart doesn't let you explain yourself when someone complains so sometimes it's very frustrating because how can you truly better yourself if you can't see the reasons why they complained?    All and all though it's an ok job, it's a job, right?

I do work with an 89 year old.  I am mostly there two times a week for companionship.    They were getting lonely and so seeing me helps them.    I mean, seriously, who wouldn't love to spend time with my goofy self?     I have got them dancing, singing, listening to music again, and laughing at my outfits.    I have been called a flower child so I will let your imagination run wild on creating the outfits you think I would be wearing to put a smile on their face.    They make my day better just as much as I help theirs.

Just writing this seems like there really isn't that much going on in my life but the follow up post will probably explain why I feel like my life has changed so drastically.

Stay tuned  everyone.  I'm hoping to post more frequently.

Peace, love and joy to you!

Mr. John Edward

August 25, 2019 Sunday.

Today has marked 5 months since you have left, Michael, but really it has been 22 weeks, but who is counting?

A dear friend of mine a few months ago bought me an awesome gift, tickets to see John Edward the medium  from “Crossing Over with John Edward”.  I can NOT begin to thank them enough for this gift. 

I took my bestie, Bianca, and I’m so glad she was able to experience this with me.

It’s pretty cool, his show.  I can’t really tell you a lot because I don’t know if he would like that or not but I will touch on the important parts for me. 

First of all this was an A-M-A-Z-I-N-G experience.

Ok, here goes. I hope you enjoy my little experience.

I have been talking to Michael and have asked him to PLEASE come thru today because I felt I needed to have him come thru but yet today I woke feeling if he came thru that would be awesome but if he didn’t that would be ok too because no matter what I was going to get something out of this experience. Bianca asked me before the show if I was nervous or scared or anything and I told her I wasn’t feeling anything at all but she told me she was feeling quite anxious.

The show started and as soon as he came on stage I felt a connection.  Bianca and I were not that close to the stage but I swear I made eye contact with him several times and I just felt so connected.  It was actually pretty cool.  He likes to pick people to ask questions and he started it out that way.  Before John started though he told us that every reading he would do it would pertain somehow to everyone in that room.  I would say there was maybe 300 people there.  He said even though he may be saying things we think is relative to us he truly is reading the energy from that person but somehow someway we were all connected by these stories and readings.  

He started explaining how he was in the medical field before he started doing this professionally and how back when he first started this was not as accepted as it is now.  This touched me right away because this is exactly how I feel and I have experienced this.  

Cancer seemed to be a big topic in the room, my mom died of cancer. 

His first question and reading was about a cyclist friend, my adopted son is a bicyclist.  They had someone named Mike and someone named Chris.  My oldest son is Christopher.   So already I am seeing connections.

He was answering another question and doing a reading and all of a sudden he said he saw a horse walk across the floor.   It was like in the movie, “UP”, where the dog is like,  “SQUIRREL”.  You could see how surprised he was of the fact there was a horse that just showed up and walked across the room.  It was actually pretty funny in a way.  He talked to that group of people and then he wanted to know what the significance of the number 7 was.  One woman said it was the number of the race car her husband drove.  I was a little shocked by that because it’s not every day you hear about a race car driver.  He wanted to know where he drove and she said he drove in the city of Brainerd.  John had no clue where that was but he kept going with the reading.  He then wanted to know who maybe knew this woman because he said someone in this room has a connection to her.  Nobody could validate this.   He asked again and then he came to the other side of the room and said, “Who has a connection with this woman.”  I raised my hand and said that Bianca did.   His staff got a microphone and gave it to Bianca and she said that her daughter and son-in-law race stock cars.  He asked the woman if her husband raced stock cars and she validated this.  He then asked Bianca where they raced and she said, “Princeton, Brainerd, and Ogilvie.”.   The woman was shaking her head yes to all of this.   I stood up and he asked if I had a husband who was on the other side.  I couldn’t even talk I was crying and shaking so hard.  Bianca had to answer for me.  Then John asked if he could talk to me.  Bianca handed me the microphone.  He then asked what my name was and answered, “T.”   He said, “Just T?”  I confirmed and he just nodded his head.  The thing I find funny now looking back on this experience is that he didn’t ask anyone else what their name was.  He would say names and then people would validate but he didn’t ask THEIR names.   I’m still mulling this over because there must be some sort of significance to this but I don’t know what it is yet.   I’m sure God will tell me in time.   Then he wanted to know who was in an administrative position or college and had quit and might be thinking about going back.  I wasn’t sure who he was talking about but Bianca looked at me and mouthed, “Lea”.   Then John looked at me and asked if him and I had a daughter and I said yes.  I can’t remember if he said more than one daughter but he did ask. Now looking back he could have been talking about Alyssa too because she has thought about going back to school and she was in an administrative position at one point.   The thing is it doesn’t matter which daughter he was talking about because it pertained to both of them and it will be meaningful for them both.     He then said I could be a bit overbearing and that my facial expressions speak more words then my actual words and I need to watch out for those.  He wanted, meaning Michael, to let her know it’s ok that he doesn’t have to go back or she can take a break and it’s all ok.   He said I have to be supportive and listen.  He asked if he could get personal and I said that was fine.  He asked if at one point I was going to leave him and then he asked, “like in the past?”   I validated this.  Bianca was confused because she didn’t know many years ago I was going to leave Michael, she just knew about how I wanted to leave sometimes after his stroke.  He also asked if Michael had a child that wasn’t his.  I validated.  I can’t remember if he actually said a son but the point is he knew about Christopher and Jacob.   I also told John that Lea worked in the same hospital where her daddy left and after my reading John shared that he too had worked in the hospital where his mother died.  He also told me that he realizes this is still very new grief and next year is going to be tougher because the 2^nd year is always tougher than the 1^st.  I’m not sure if I really wanted to hear that but I guess it’s Michael’s way of trying to prepare me.

It was a very short reading but it held a lot of meaning.  I know Michael wanted to let Lea or possibly Alyssa know everything will be ok and I know she/they needed to hear that.   The number 7 is significant in mine and Michael’s lives because that was a number we used a lot, one of our favorite numbers.   It held meaning for me because he did come thru like I asked him to and that means SO much to me.  I LOVE horses and so for it to all start with a horse is funny because I have always talked about wanting a horse. 

He also told Bianca something too but we haven’t been able to validate any of that and that is her story so I won’t tell it because it IS her story. 

All and all this has been a great day and very amazing.  I feel BEYOND blessed. 

THANK YOU, Honey and THANK YOU my dear friend for allowing this experience to happen, you really made this 5 month anniversary a memorable one.   We are still so connected and it makes me happy

Only two months, but who's counting?

May 25th, 2019

Today marks two months since you left.  Actually, it's 8 weeks and five days if we were to get technical.

The other day I was talking about you to someone and I said that it would be two months since you left and they looked at me with disbelief.  I couldn't understand why they were looking at me like that.  They finally looked at me and said , "It's been only two months?  Two months for me was like no time at all.  You are doing well."    Then it sunk in...two months. 
Two months since you have left.   It made me think of everything that has happened in just two short months. 

First of all, it feels like you have been gone a lot longer than two months. 

So, let's think about this.  When you left I didn't think I could ever be able to go on without you.  I felt my whole world was over but people kept telling me it would be ok and I would be able to go on but to take my time because it's different for everyone.   I never believed them because my whole heart was broken.  I stopped eating and drinking not once but twice just to see if I could die so I could be with you.  It didn't work, I wasn't allowed to leave, I guess. 

I cried every single day and mostly at night because the nights are so much harder because you are alone and your loved ones have gone to be with their loved ones at night so the lonliness is just sometimes too much to bear.  I prayed every night for God to take me so I could be with you.

The family got thru your Celebration of Life, I know you would have enjoyed it.

We got thru picking up your ashes and deciding what to keep your ashes in, it's a turtle of course!

I was given a multitude of support and gifts that I will NEVER be able to repay but will cherish and be ever so thankful for however long God decides for me to be here in this world.

I kept crying and kept praying for God to take me.  One day I was crying and praying and I was told I had to go to Texas and visit a dear friend.   I didn't know why I was given these directions but I was.

One month after you left I took our dog and drove my car you bought me and away we went to Texas.   I spent a week and a half there and it took everything I had to come back to Minnesota.    I was told by the friend I stayed with I had to go home to face things and at that time I didn't know what they meant.   I came home and knew as soon as I walked into the house it's the lonliness I must face and accept. I am trying, really I am.

Then we had Mother's Day and I did all right.  It was a nice day and the kids came through like they always do.  You sure helped raise some awesome kids.

Then came Lea's graduation.  She made a hat for you and my mom, did you see it?  I know you are so proud of her because you know how much she struggled.  She did it though. 

Pretty soon it will be Father's Day and I know the kids will have a hard time with this one.  Reach down and give them hugs, ok?

Since I have been home from Texas I feel healed.  I still cry for you and still want to be with you and still don't know what I'm suppose to do but I have healed quite a bit and I owe it to the trip to Texas.  I cry when I talk about the night before and the day you left but those memories are starting to be replaced with good memories.  It isn't on constant repeat anymore.  I still have the guilt and I don't know if that will ever go away but it is not the first feeling anymore. 

Steve came by and we were able to share memories of you.  It was nice to see him and because he lost his love it was easy to share how hard it is when you love someone so deeply. 

Dad and I have shared feelings about losing our soulmates too.  He still is feeling the way I feel and it's nice to be able to have someone understand the pain, the tremendous pain, you go thru.

I have a job now.  It's not much but it's something.

God has been sending signs to me and is showing me the way slowly.  Somethings I just have to be patient about and wait for the answers but I'm grateful He is showing me the signs.

Alyssa had a decision to make today and you gave her the sign to make the final decision.  She knew she had your approval and I think she was very happy that you did that for her.  We know you will be involved in her decision a lot but it's still not having you HERE to help make these decisions that's going to be tough..

I have been called a widow and single and I do NOT like any of those words.  I need to find a word to describe my "status".  Someone suggested available but I think that sounds desperate.  Will you send me a sign?

Two months is such a short time when you say those words out loud but I feel I have come a long way in just two short months.  I feel like I shouldn't be as "healed" as I am but then again everyone is different and what is the "right" amount of time?

I miss you more than anyone will ever know but I know you don't want me to stand still, you want me to move forward, and for YOU that is exactly what I am doing. 

I love you, my honey, my turtle. 

Pondering

I have so much to ponder in this life now.

I don't know in which direction I am suppose to go.

I don't know what I'm suppose to do.

So many feelings going around in my head and yet I just can't figure any of them out.

My children say I am acting weird and they feel I am being secretive but I'm not at all.  I'm just trying to get through all the feelings I have.

I have taken a vacation and I have been gone now for about a week and I have actually been able to go more than a day without crying.   I don't know whether that is good or not, I want to say that it is and people say it is but then I feel I'm not being fair to Michael.
I'm not being fair because I only truly grieved for a month.  I feel being with one person for 34 years should be longer than just one month.   Then I think I should stop feeling that way because everyone grieves differently and there is no true time line on grieving but yet I have read or heard, don't really remember, you should only really grieve hard for three months.  Three months? At first I thought that just wasn't enough time but then I have stopped crying every day just after one month.  Is that fair? I truly don't know.  I guess, there is really no real answer, it's just so different for everyone.

I know I shouldn't be considering this at all or even thinking this way but how am I going to love again? How am I suppose to find someone? Is God going to show me?  Is God going tot lead me to my next soul mate?  Do we get to have more than one soul mate in a life? If God does lead me to a new person how is He going to do that?  Have faith?  Yes, I know that, but sometimes I just would like to be able to have a little bit of a hint.   Am I going to go thru life never being with another person?  Can I go forever without another someone? I know I am never going to get those answers until they happen but sometimes it would be nice to have a glimpse into the future.

Moving? Do we or don't we?  I live with my son and he has wanted a bigger house even before he bought this one but I know the one we are in now would actually be good with Michael and all his ailments, turned out I was correct.  Now, we are faced with a possible move in our midst.  It is way too much work, I think, but I know my son wants a bigger house and closer to his work. Yet, am I up to the challenge, that is the question. I'm not convinced I am.  Then that raises another question, do I move out of state by myself?  If I do then how do I accomplish that?  Do I pick a state where I have friends who would put me up until I get on my feet?  Do I tell my dad and then move in with my dad and if I decided to do that would he even be keen to that idea?  He would love to be out of Minnesota but somewhere with me?   Do I continue to stay in Minnesota because my kids and grand kids are there?  Am I going to be happy ANYWHERE I go?  I just don't know what to do.  It would be nice if someone could wave a magic wand and make the decision for me.  Why do I really have to make these decisions?  Am I making mountains out of mole hills? I just don't know!

I also have jobs to think about.  I do have one waiting for me and I truly hope it works out and the people who have hired me truly think I am the right fit, but again, am I going to be happy?  I want to start a business and am in the process of thinking about how to go about it and if I will be successful?  It will be three businesses in one and I have to figure out what my motto is, how I want the website, what my logo will be, designing business cards, do I want brochures, have I picked the right name? So many questions for starting a business and not sure if it will even take off.  I know when I had owned a pet rescue we did succeed and we succeeded well.  I am proud of that chapter in my life but am I suppose to follow the animal world again because I was able to succeed in that field?  Is there something I am missing and not getting the signs to lead me in the right direction?  I just don't know what God wants from me.

Someone told me, eventually I will have to face everything I don't want to.  I didn't think at the time they were right but maybe they are.  Maybe I am avoiding "life".  Maybe I just don't want to go on with life.  Why was I forced into this new life?  Was I just living life too easy when Michael was alive and now God thinks I need to face challenges and hardships? Doesn't He know I don't do well with challenge, after all He did make me! Again, I just don't know.

Then I think everything happens in threes.  I know it's an old wives tale but it has been proven over and over again.  Who will be the second person and the third person in my life to leave and when they do am I going to be able to handle it?  You can't predict this either but I'm terrified of losing another person.  I know it will be someone close because that's usually how it works, if someone is close the first time then the second and third will be close also.  See? Terrifying!

I just feel like my whole world has literally crumbled on me and it's in so many pieces I will never be able to put all the pieces back together.

I feel like I maybe have too many decisions to make and should probably take one at a time and make a solid decision and then move to the next one but it's like I can't even focus on just one at a time.  I have a hard time focusing on anything.   How do I learn to focus again?

Just too much to ponder at this point.  This new life I'm not liking at all.

I'm tired of pondering!

My Turtle

When someone you love passes away the whole world comes crumbling down on you and you feel, well you really don't feel.    Numbness is what encompasses your body and it takes forever for it to go away.   You are made to make decisions you just don't want to.   You are made to tell your friends and family you are O.K. but they all know you really aren't.   No one can tell you when you WILL be o.k. because everyone grieves so differently.

My world collapsed on March 25, 2019.  It was a Monday, 9:33p.m. to be exact.   I got a phone call from the hospital my husband was admitted to earlier in the day telling me I needed to get to the hospital because they were doing c.p.r. on him.    I remember calling my children and my best friend as I sped down the street the two blocks to the hospital.  I remember having to enter thru the emergency room and telling the security guard I had to go to, well now I don't even remember what room number it was.    I was hysterical.    I got up to the second floor where his room was and the nurse didn't even have to ask who I was and she started leading me to Michael's, my husband, room.  All I remember is seeing this HUGE machine pushing down on my husband's chest.  I can't even tell you how many people were in the room or if someone was squeezing air into his lungs or what.   I fell to the floor SCREAMING!     I knew, I knew then I would never talk with him again, never hear his laugh, never see his smart ass smile, NOTHING, absolutely NOTHING.   

It has been three weeks and one day since that life changing night.   Three hard, long weeks.   I can not describe to you how hard it is to learn that I will never have my life partner with me ever again, in the physical sense anyway.   You can not imagine what pain I am/have suffered. 

I am crying less but I still cry every night.  The nights seem to be so much harder than the days.    I have smiled, occasionally.  I have laughed, a few times but it's not a gut laugh.   I have cleaned the house, once.    I feed the animals every day so at least they aren't suffering along with me.   I have quit eating and drinking twice now for about 4 days.  I have watched television a handful of times.  I have endured his celebration of life.   I have went out a few times with a friend and my eldest daughter.   I have washed the dishes only twice, swept the floor a handful of times and just tried to exist the best I can.    I did go and visit a friend one time also.    I think that is pretty good for losing my soul mate just three weeks ago.    I'm sure I may have done more but I couldn't tell you what they were.

One of the things I had to do was find an urn for my honey.   The ones they offer you at the funeral homes are just ugly and expensive and the ones you get online can be nice but they are expensive as well.    When my mother passed on I made her a red, white, and blue bird house urn.   I knew I had to find something which would symbolize my honey in the best way.    I asked my best friend and my daughters to help with this task.    My friend had one of her granddaughters with her and I didn't mind at all that she came with because Michael LOVED this little girl, I mean LOVED her.    He always just lit up when she would come around and he had so much fun trying to get her little shy self to talk to him.  He eventually would and it just did his heart good to see her.   He always looked forward to her coming and visiting. 

We all set out to go to Hobby Lobby, which is a craft store here in Minnesota and other states around the U.S.A.   My eldest, my best friend, and little munchkin walked around the entire store and I just didn't like any thing.   I finally decided to go to Michael's, which is another type craft store, because this is usually where I get all my boxes for my animals who have passed on to decorate.    Everyone agreed.    When we got in the car little munchkin got the hiccups.    I couldn't believe it!    She never gets the hiccups my friend said and the significance in having the hiccups is Michael would get the hiccups when there was something wrong.   On his last day on this earth he had the hiccups all day.    We got to Michael's and she still had the hiccups.   She had the hiccups the whole time we were in the store.   My youngest daughter met us at the store and we went to the wooden boxes that you can decorate and the daughters liked a castle, they said it was for their dad being king of the castle.  Well, that wasn't fitting because he only thought he was king of the castle.   I didn't like that idea.    We had thought about getting a little toy rubber turtle to put on a box but we just didn't like any of the boxes the two stores had to offer. 

So, why were we thinking a turtle?   My honey was so slow and the older and sicker he got the worse it got.   Many years ago he earned the nickname, Turtle.   Everyone who was close to him would call him that.   I would look at him and say, "Turtle, turtle!"    We would just laugh.    People would often times ask us how we stayed together for so long, we have been together since the age of fifteen.   I would describe our relationship as the tortoise and the hare.  He was my tortoise and I was his hare.   He would go along not in any hurry at all saying that no matter if we hurry or not we would still get to where we were going.   Most of the time he was always on time too, which I could never figure out.    I, on the hand, was the hare who was running around like crazy just worried about getting to where we needed going or I would just run circles around him when we were doing chores or projects.   People just laughed and could totally see what I was saying just by the way him and I would laugh and act around each other. 

Walking around in Michael's and not getting anywhere I finally decided I wanted to go to Menards, which is a store that has so many different things for do it yourself projects.    I knew I wanted a turtle but I needed a big turtle so I could put Michael's ashes in it.   Once I made this decision and told my friend and my daughters little munchkin's hiccups stopped.   Yep, just stopped. 

We arrived at Menards and I went straight to the garden center and there it was, the turtle, the only one they had.  It is made out of plaster and my friend was worried if we drilled a hole in the bottom it would shatter and then I wouldn't be able to accomplish what I wanted.   I told her I didn't care we had to try.  So, I paid $59.99 for my turtle, way cheaper than any urn you can buy at a funeral home or online!    My ex son-in-law, who is still very much a part of our family,came over and drilled a hole in the bottom of my turtle so I could get his ashes in there without it shattering.

I was trying to figure out a way to put Michael's name, birth date, the horrible day date, and maybe some designs but every time I go to figure this out a little voice in my head says, "No. No. No."    I have come to believe this is Michael telling me he just doesn't want the turtle to be decorated.    So, I have decided to listen to that little voice.   I have put a chain he wore with his wedding ring around his neck.   I put his favorite Green Bay Packer hat on the top of the shell.   His ashes will also go in there and maybe a few other things.  I will put his obit in there also.    I even put some needles in there in case he needs them for something,although I know he doesn't have diabetes where he is. 

It was amazing how Miss Munchkin was able to go with us and how she got the hiccups until I decided on a turtle and I decided while we were in the store, Michael's!    All the signs were there.   
When little munchkin got back home she had to tell her mom all about the turtle she had got.   Her mom thought it was a real turtle and so my friend had to call me and ask to send pictures because little munchkin wouldn't stop talking about it until I did.    I do honestly believe Michael used little munchkin to help pick out what is just right for his ashes and to symbolize himself.    Now, when I pass, my children must find a hare and we will be complete again, the tortoise and the hare. 

Here is what my turtle looks like thanks to little Miss Munchkin.